I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
