My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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