You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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