Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
