either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
