and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
