I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
