Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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