and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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