Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
