I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
