And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
