I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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