omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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