Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
