Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
