she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
