if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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