my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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