You smell like stripper and shame
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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