Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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