Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
