I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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