My balls are so social today.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
