The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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