the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
