I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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