I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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