You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
