i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
