I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need a beard to bite.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
