90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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