Your face is a jimmy john
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
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Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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