his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
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She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
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He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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