Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
