I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
