I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
