Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What a dumb baby whore.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
