I should be sponsored by Trojan
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
