M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
