watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
