just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
