you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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