The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
