i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
