I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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