it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
