How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
