Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
