Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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