i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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