We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
