im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
