do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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