I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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