You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
