I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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