I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
