It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
